“Yup, just another Friday, me and the cats.”
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“Dinner for one is tons of fun! Ramen Noodles, anyone?”
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“Am I supposed to feel a void because I haven’t popped any kids out? I think you put enough photos on facebook of yours to make up for my single childless status. We truly do not miss even a moment of your mini’s little life. Thanks for that.”
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“I thought I would’ve met my love by now. My mom told me once that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. By the time my prince finds me, I may look like a old frog. Maybe I should just stick with the frogs.”
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“If I have to spend one more evening browsing singles websites of arrogant people who take horrible looking selfies I may just have to resort to virtually dating an avatar.”
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“Fiction: Dating web site says I like to work out. Reality: I pretend taking the stairs at work is the same as using gym equipment to justify my fib.”
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“Sure, I can overlook the fact that you have three kids and a crazy ex, no problem. It’s not like I have a choice being single at 40 anyway.”
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“Hum, another Jonny Goodtimes sent me a message on the dating website. I always prioritize men whose profile pics show them with a beer in their hand. Thanks!”
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“So, you’re 35 and you just admitted to me you spend 2 hours a day playing video games. Dealmaker!”
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“Cyber-stalking potential dates, an unpaid part time job of the single person.”
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“If you want me to think you’re a winner, go ahead and talk about yourself the entire dinner. Not to worry, I have nothing to say. You’re far more interesting.”
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“Singles don’t have to share the “Pringles”. Life isn’t that bad.”
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“If there’s someone out there for me that isn’t covered in fur and of my same species, please have your pet call my pet and we can set something up.”
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“Single people’s birthdays: another thing to vaguely address on the to-do list of your married friends.”
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“Sure, I’d love to spend my day off attending your baby shower. I’ll bring my recorded versions of “ooo” and “ahhh” and press play as you unwrap one thing after another to clean your baby’s poo and wee, followed by an episode of stomach cramps caused by binging on cheese at the snack table out of sheer boredom. What’s the date again?”
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“Sure, I’d love to go into debt to be the bridesmaid at your wedding. Single women in minimum wage jobs love to spring an extra 500 bucks for an unflattering ugly dress. After all, you expect it.”
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“Single people love to visit family on the holidays. Not having a unit of our own feels so natural. I love having my mating and reproductive tendencies questioned and analyzed over dinner. I’ll be sure to get there early and lend a hand!”
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“My match made in heaven must have liked it there and just forgot to come get me on earth altogether. I can’t say I blame him/her”
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“Hi, I’m your single family member with no kids. This is an open invitation for free babysitting! After all, I have nothing to do and my easy-going and free life could use a little sacrifice. It’s my turn to take one for the team! Make sure you drop them off when they’re hungry and come to pick them up after I’ve already had to put them to sleep, ok?”
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“Oh, you met someone who’s single and you think I should meet them? Great! If you want to really do me a favor, pre-screen them for criminal records and STD’s. Thanks a bunch!”
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“Who died and left you cupid?”
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“I am putting out an open invitation for everyone out there that I really need you to keep your eye out for me. I’m single and over 30, I’m sure you didn’t notice. Anyway, I want you to find the most socially awkward, emotionally wounded people you can and send them my way. Make sure you tell me how they’re a perfect match for me a bunch of times before we meet. Thanks!”